[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.