Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’