pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
X-tra spooky blend
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I support this random dude and all his protests
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.