The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
that de-escalated quickly
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
🙂🙃🥹
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done