Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
You Might Also Like
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart