Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
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Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.