There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok