Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.