My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
The 4 stages of a family vacation
absolute chaos
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I created you as mosquito food.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.