5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Delightful if true: booby trap.