People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
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Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.