When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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Hello, my name is Pierre.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
When libraries troll their patrons.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
5 ways to appear taller
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions