You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My blood type is b hungry.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons