To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: