I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”