Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
No chill.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.