Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Science memes
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass