I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
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creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean