can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Breaking news:
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants