ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
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While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch