I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs