I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago