me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
You Might Also Like
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
i’m still crying at this
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
never forget
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish