My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
This was my dad’s browser history.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.