I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat