[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My last name is Zilla.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020