Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The struggle is real
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I hate everything
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Botany good plants lately?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.