“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
You Might Also Like
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.