Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s