A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank