[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
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My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?