Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
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I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
how long have you had this for?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.