[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Bread puns are on the rise!
I want this so bad
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”