Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Boating season is upon us.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.