[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
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“I wouldn’t.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.