My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
You Might Also Like
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.