I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.