<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name