Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Yep.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.