Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
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My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I really had high hopes for this year though
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”