so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
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My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
This 4th of July, please remember…
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
what could possibly go wrong?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.