Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
S M O L
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Milk Cube
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails