I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Important reminders
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.