Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
You Might Also Like
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?