Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Holy crap this is wonderful
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out