So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Brb my Sims are getting married
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.