This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
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if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail