marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
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Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My neck, my back, my…
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter