Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Webb. James Webb.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die