*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
2022 be like
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Very good news from my accountant
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*